Tuesday's Attention #3

Reflection on The Power of Connection:

My dog loves to lay on top of the couch cushions during the heat of the day. You can tell that she finds comfort in the warmth of the sun. But, more than anything, she sits there to look for her friends. Over a few short interactions, Rue (my dog) and the twin seven year old next door neighbors have formed quite a bond. The girls have come over three times in the past two months to bring Rue presents. They wrap them and everything. It is enough to really melt your heart. But, what has become even sweeter has been their interactions through my living room window. Rue isn’t a very vocal dog. She pretty much only barks when she sees her own reflection or shadow or when she sees a dog that intimidates her. She whimpers only when she is in the car (she hates the car) or when she sees our neighbors. The two whimpers are very different. With one, her tail is tucked and she shakes. With the other, her tail is wagging and all she wants to do is get closer to her friends. I am not always in the room when Rue begins whimpering and so I usually come walking into the living room to see what is up only to then hear, through the window, “Bye Rue!! Bye Rue!! We will see you soon!!” as the twins get in the car. Rue gets as close to the window as possible when this happens. 

It is all so endearing. 

Rue watching her friends wave to her

I spend a lot of my days laying down right now with where my health is at. These small moments bring me more into life. They remind me of the power of connection. Rue has been quite the connector. Since she has become the 4th roommate, she has drawn us closer to all of our neighbors. She has welcomed every individual that walks into our door. She knows no stranger. I find that, as I go on walks, I make eye contact with more people than I did before I got her. Connection, especially with strangers, can feel scary. It is easier to keep to ourselves— to keep our eyes down, headphones in, and feet moving forward. However, we miss something when we miss saying hello to one another. It is probably why I love spending time with each one of my roommates. Rue isn’t the only one who knows no stranger in our home, Carson and Kate are one in the same with Rue. 

Last Thanksgiving Carson invited the Target cash register to our house to join us for our small Thanksgiving. She never came, but when Carson shared with me that someone may be joining us, I was far from surprised. I’ve come to learn that one reason Carson loves to travel is because of the connection with new people. It has been beautiful to witness as we’ve traveled together a few times this year. Through her willingness to connect, we’ve ended up meeting so many precious new people this year. One woman even invited us onto her balcony at Sea Island to watch a wedding that was happening. We ended up spending two hours with her!

It is a pretty normal occurrence in our home for Kate or Carson to come home and to share that they made a new friend that will be coming over for dinner. Or that they are about to start reading a book with a new friend. Or that they made a new friend at the grocery store or the print store or just about anywhere they have spent their day. And every time they share that, it heals something in me. It reminds me of the beauty within humanity and how, at the end of the day, we all just want to connect and to be seen and heard. 

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As I begin to reflect on this past year, I don't even know where to start. Some years go by and it feels like it all happened in a blink of an eye. However, some years go by and it can feel like, within just 12 months, you lived three different lives. This year has been the latter and I have no idea how to unpack what this year has been. There are a lot of ways we can approach reflection— especially within such a challenging year. This year, I want to choose reflection that is centered around thinking about connection.

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At the beginning of this year, in January, I was still teaching from my attic and was not going anywhere besides on walks to the park. But, every day, at 3:00pm, my advisement class began. It was the only class of the day where students turned their videos on. We would spend those 45 minutes together laughing, talking and playing games. One student in particular loved taking his laptop outside and would talk with us while jumping on his trampoline or swinging on a swing. I loved it. I saw some of my most reserved students slowly turn their videos on too. One day, a student was even bold enough to play a bit of their guitar with us. That moment had me in tears because I knew of the courage that went behind the sharing. I watched this group of students, seemingly strangers online at the beginning of the year, become a family. It was a testament to their vulnerability and willingness to connect with one another. They led, I witnessed. When we returned back to school in-person in March (in a hybrid form), it felt like magic getting to spend time with my advisement after 6 months of connecting through our screens. We laughed often, learned together in the midst of some challenging circumstances that were happening in the world, and we created space for everyone to belong.

A family indeed.  

… 

This year has been marked by connection. It became quite normal after May to see someone and to realize that we hadn’t seen one another in almost two years, since before the pandemic began. Those reunions brought about reconnection and a deep appreciation for the times where we get to be together. The pressure to catch up disappeared. Instead, time spent with friends became more about simply being together. 

This year was hard. Really hard. The connecting and the reconnecting has sustained me. In the past, in the hard, I have leaned towards hiding. But, if the pandemic has taught me anything, it has taught me that there is great healing to come from leaning towards connection. It requires risk and vulnerability. But, I like to believe that the benefit of connection always outweighs the risk of rejection. 

As this year comes to a close, I hope you have space to reflect upon the connections you have experienced and witnessed this year that have been healing. 

A good team to live with

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Words That Are Sticking With Me: 

I find myself understanding more and more the depth of Mary Oliver’s poems on Percy, her dog, as I have had Rue. This week I read one that I deeply resonated with from her book Red Bird called “I Ask Percy How I Should Live My Life (Ten)”. 

Love, love, love, says Percy. 

And run as fast as you can

along the shining beach, or the rubble, or the dust.

Then go to sleep. 

Give your body heat, your beating heart. 

Then, trust.

… 

In March and April, I read Suleika Jauoad’s memoir Between Two Kingdoms. It is a beautifully honest read about her walk through cancer and her time within remission. Throughout her whole experience of sickness, she wrote. She wrote a column for the New York Times that shared her journey. While she was in remission, she set out on a road trip across the country to visit the strangers she had connected with. One person she went to visit was a woman named Katherine that had written her in her grief of losing her son to suicide. Reading about their time together was one of the most impactful parts of the book for me. 

First, Katherine wrote Suleika to thank her. She wrote: 

“The power of story is to heal and to sustain…And if we are brave enough to tell our own story, we realize we’re not alone, again, and again.” (pg. 307)

Then, when they were together in person talking about surviving hardship, Katherine said: 

“You have to shift from the gloom and doom and focus instead on what you love… That’s all you can do in the face of these things. Love the people around you. Love the life you have. I can’t think of a more powerful response to life’s sorrows than loving.” (pg. 312)

That last line is what has heavily stuck with me. And, perhaps that is why, after a hard year, I am writing about connection.

At the center of authentic connection is love. There is nothing more powerful than that. 

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A List of Connections I Have Been Paying Attention to This Year: 

• The ways middle schoolers connect over learning that others also love anime 

• The way a stranger on the beach can become someone you end up exchanging writing with because of a small connection during a friend’s bachelorette weekend 

• The gift of reconnecting with a friend after two years away from one another 

• The joy of witnessing someone, in their Queens, NYC neighborhood, say hello to each local business store owner of each store that we walked into

• The way that strangers on a facebook group can become a comforting due to connecting together over having the same disease

• The ways a book, a song, and/or another form of art can connect you to parts of yourself that you never knew existed or that you hid away for some time 

• The beauty of connecting with people through letters in the mail 

• The gift of people coming in your life right when you need them 

• The power of sitting in a room with 50 other women who are eager to write their words 

• How the local running store worker can become a refreshing friend to the runners around town through his willingness to connect

• The way a waitress at Hi-Lo can become a consistent joy in your week 

• The care of the women at the front desk of the nephrologist each week as they warmly welcome in their consistent patients

• The ways vulnerability allows us to connect and see one another’s humanity more deeply and honestly

Prompts/Questions: 

At the end of every newsletter, I want to leave you all with some questions/prompts to think on. My hope is that these can encourage you in some form or fashion. Whether it is through just taking some time to think through them, to write about that, or to talk through them with a loved one. If you ever want a friend to hear your thoughts, feel free to share them back with me! I always love to read and to listen. 

Questions: 

• What connections this year have you made or witnessed that have been encouraging or healing in some way? 

• What words have really stuck with you throughout this year that have been healing? It could be words from a song or a book or words someone wrote and/or spoke to you. 

• Where have you seen and/or experienced the power of connection or love this year? 

Prompts: 

• This one is from my friend Rachel Gamblin- Choose 10 pictures that tell the story of your year or that are your favorite pictures of your year. Share those pictures with some friends and ask them to do the same. Exchange stories about those pictures! 

• Similarly, choose 12 songs that either tell the story of your year or that have been really important to you. Exchange your playlist with friends and share about it!

• If you were to get a tattoo that represents this past year, what would your tattoo be? Or, what is a word or symbol that represents your year. Draw it or write about it or talk with a friend about it! 

• Create a list of what has been meaningful to you this year!

One Word Prompts: 

(You can use these as prompts for writing or for another creative outlet. What comes to your mind when you think of these words?  What do they mean to you? How do you experience them?) 

• Connection 

• Love 

• Story 

Letters: 

• Write a letter to someone who has really encouraged you this year. 

• Think of a stranger or someone that you do not know too well that has impacted you this year. Write to them either via letter or email. Maybe it is the cash register at Trader Joe’s who brightens your day. Or the neighbor down the street that always says hi as you walk past. Or the barista that makes your coffee and always brings some joy to your day. Tell them that! 

• Write a letter to yourself about the ways you are proud of yourself this year. I know people do not like to talk about how they are proud of themselves, but I have found that it can be really healing to do and to share with one another. It is not an act of pride, but instead an act of acknowledging our humanity and our growth. 

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Closing Words: 

A year holds a lot. Whatever your year held, I hope connection held you and continues to do so in the new year.

I look forward to connecting with you all in this space more in the new year! Thank you for reading. I am grateful for this community!

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May your week ahead be filled with words that encourage you, laughter that heals you, and moments of beauty that pull your attention in and bring you to slow down. 

May you know that you, yourself, are worth paying attention to.