Tuesday's Attention #81
The Process of Healing
The Process of Healing
This morning, I am sitting on my porch, before heading into work, with my composition notebook and Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way beside me. I first went through The Artist’s Way in 2021. I was newly diagnosed with my kidney disease, in the initial stages of adjusting to high doses of steroids, and in a teacher summer. I called that summer my summer of writing. I made a syllabus and everything. The Artist’s Way was my anchor text to the summer, and I would reach a chapter every week, and then each week I would also be making my way through supplementary texts. That summer, I sat with the words of Stephen King, Mary Oliver, Wendell Berry, Ross Gay, Maya Angelou, Judith Ortiz Cofer, Natalie Goldberg, and many more. These were my teachers. Them and also the world around me in my day-to-day. Can you tell I love school and being a student?
As I have been re-engaging with The Artist’s Way, I have returned back to some of what I wrote the summer of ‘21. Turns out, I wrote a lot. I wrote 48 pages connected to the theme of “paying attention.” The words below are some of the first words I wrote that summer in my journal:
Excerpt from my Morning Pages 6/3/21
“I have now been on 60m of PredNISONE for 6 weeks and have known about my FSGS kidney disease diagnosis for a little over 6 weeks. It has been about 10 weeks on this journey of really paying attention to my body. First, noticing the swelling and the fatigue. Then, the doctors noticing what was happening within my body due to the blood tests, urine samples, and biopsy. A lot of paying attention to my body and what it was feeling in the in between- the waiting for a diagnosis. And now, a lot of waiting and noticing what is going on with my body as it responds to the medicines it has been put on…
As I am writing, I’m aware that for my summer writing project, I very well may need to write about this this summer: the paying attention that I am within. This process of healing through writing and through resting and through listening and through community. There is something whole and holy in this place and I want to lean into that. It may not be for anyone else but me and that very well may be what I need this summer.
I am not sure yet,
But, I will lean in and
I’ll pay attention
&
I’ll listen
&
Heal here.”
This was four months before Tuesday’s Attention was born.
Some themes in our lives remain consistent.
…
Julia Cameron wrote on page 53 of The Artist’s Way
“One of the great misconceptions about the artistic life is that it entails great swathes of aimlessness. The truth is that a creative life involves great swathes of attention. Attention is a way to connect and survive… survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention…
The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity of delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention.
The reward for attention is always healing.”
That last line is why I continue to write here; it is why I continue to write, period.
I think we fear that if we pay attention, we will be overwhelmed by truly seeing all the suffering that is occurring around us and perhaps even within us, and so we distance ourselves from the present moment. Sometimes we need this. Sometimes the presence of our pain and the moments before us are too much, too painful. We can thank that part of our brain that knows how to shift our focus out of the insurmountable pain and onto something outside of our present moment. Yet, I believe we were not made to stay in that state of distance or distraction. When it is safe enough for us to be present, there, my friends, is much to see. Only when we see the suffering can we then attend to the suffering. Only when we attend to the suffering can we see the ways delight can miraculously still exist within great depths of pain. And, only when we allow ourselves to attend to our suffering, give attention also to small moments of delight, can we begin to heal. In all of it, just as it is with our creative practices, it is about the process, not the product.
The process of healing lies in a practice of patient attention and gentle nurturing to the places within ourselves that are hurting. Sometimes, the process of healing looks like weeping. Sometimes, it looks like allowing yourself the space to play. Wherever you are today, may you be gentle enough with yourself to be brave enough to pay attention not only to what is in front of you, but also to what is stirring up within you.
Prompts & Questions:
Take yourself to a park and bring nothing with you, and simply listen. Listen to the birds; yes, most definitely listen to the birds! AND, listen for the small still voice within you that is singing too.
Create something from that small voice singing within you. Maybe even write on the word “within” and what comes to mind there.
If you are in a place of needing to weep, create room to let your tears fall and be gentle with yourself there. If you are in a place of needing to play, go play! Create a playlist of “jam out” songs, crank the volume up, and dance your heart out.
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Words for Your Week:
As you carry on into this week, may your days be filled with words that encourage you, laughter that heals you, and moments of beauty that pull your attention in and bring you to slow down.
May you know that you, yourself, are worth paying attention to.
You gotta feel it to heal it.